Psychosis

I’m going to start off by saying I’m using this title word very broadly here. This topic generally includes several smaller concepts that work together into one little word that many people are terrified to use. Why can’t we be honest about what is ailing us? How can a doctor, a medical professional, sit across from you and tell you that they do not “believe in” your illness? Why do we not have free healthcare across the board like so many countries that we claim to be lesser than us in stature and economy? These are our decisions, but the reason nothing changes is that we don’t talk about it. That’s how we end up with something so atrocious as the Fetal Heart Bill in Iowa. I will re-iterate it again and again; we have to talk about these chronic ailments, the lack of appropriate healthcare available, and how our government is making money off of all of us for these precise reasons.

Above the depression and anxiety I have been labeled with for years, I struggle severely with paranoia. It took a long time for anyone to help me identify that there was a word for what I was feeling. How, when I get into my car I have to check the backseat, my exposed trunk, and look all around me before jumping in and locking the doors immediately. Every. Single. Time. I have a locked garage. I do it every time. I do not have any explanation for this. At no point have I had a traumatic experience in or around a vehicle. My therapist believes there may be some suppressed memories. I did read an article a couple of years ago about women getting grabbed from their cars while they are getting in and to be wary, but I’ve been in this practice for as long as I’ve been driving. I’ve also experienced extremely rapid heartbeat, instant sweating while entering the vehicle, as well as loss of breath as if the act caused me to be tiresome. It was years before realizing this was not normal.

It doesn’t feel good to be different from this concept of “normal” when in school. That was only one symptom of the paranoia. There were plenty of others that caused numerous issues in my daily life. Like, serious issues; with my personal relationships, the care I took of myself, and for a spell I didn’t think I “deserved” to eat. I’ve been told consistently that it is all in my head, I just don’t try hard enough, and so many more. I beg you to get help. If any of this sounds familiar just talk to your doctor. If they respond in any other way than immediate concern, get a new doctor. And that’s no shit. You have the choice to pick another physician. Get a referral to someone more specialized or educated in this area. Please.

The paranoia generally goes hand in hand with depression. I’ve already written about this here so just to touch base, the paranoia and resulting negative emotions/feelings most often cause different kinds of depression. I say different kinds because there absolutely are, and labeling someone with major depressive order could mean different things. And my doctors have told me this. Some people withdraw. Some people self harm, yet keep a perfect public face. Some take up a hobby that they are able to completely absorb themselves in and obsess over. I’ve seen it all. Remember, all of this shit runs in the family; mother dearest being most bonkers of them all.

Anxiety and paranoia are different. This is an important distinction. Though, these do often go hand in hand with each other, but can still present differently in different people. This is why mental health treatment is so difficult because each human is unique, and the world is changing. We are exposed to chemicals every day, now, that did not exist even 100 years ago. And let’s not start on big pharma. Paranoia is most often coined as hearing voices that are not from other humans within your general vicinity. Some people hear voices outside of their head that are not other people. I hear my own. My own voice, distinctly separate from “myself” within my head, is telling me every single second of every single day the worst case scenario. When I’m driving my brain tells me every single way I could potentially get into an accident every trip I make. It is impossible for me to go up the stairs with someone behind me. There is too much risk that they may just be a friend playing a trick, or I’m just too vulnerable if there were a threat. I can’t do it. My significant other suffers from this paranoia the most for reasons I feel can be imagined. It fucking sucks yo.

Remedies! First and foremost, I encourage anyone that believes they are suffering from any type of mental illness or ailment to speak to your doctor or someone more qualified if at all possible. There are other things that can help besides the chemicals, however. Essential oils, for one, are near and dear to my heart for the many different healing properties they have. I have three bottles that literally are for three different types of anxiety I experience. They are superb. The other best legal treatment I have found is CBD. There are numerous forms and there happens to be quick access through yours truly; many ways to get in touch available. This is the aid I have found to be the fastest and most certain relief from anxieties and paranoia.

I will shit on big pharma and the use of chemical pharmaceutical treatments all day long, but I will also acknowledge that there are some ailments that are simply best treated with their use. Even over the side effects. Though, there are other options that may be more appropriate and therefore less harmful for some people. Any of you reading are near and dear to my heart, and if I reach even one person that needed this wake up call then my goal is complete.

 

 

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Disability

Of course, they denied the first one application, but it sounds like they just might approve the appeal…if they don’t I don’t know what we’ll do. Oh, gee…phone’s ringing…

She tells me I can’t “expect” to hear back from them until June. JUNE. Hogwash. I’m going to end up having to get two shit jobs working shit hours just to pay the bills. It’s just a matter of picking which shit jobs. The process takes so long what are we supposed to do in the meantime. If it takes more than six months to even potentially get a penny from disability how does everyone not end up on the streets?! I was lucky enough my tax return came in when it did. The only reason I am surviving right now.

Tell me your stories about the disability system. The ups and downs. I want it all. I’m hoping it is not all terrible because in speaking to other people so far I have yet to hear a positive note.

And all the people that make us feel anything negative about filing or taking disability, you can kindly fudge right off. You simply can’t understand. Whether it be physical pain, a psychological illness, or any other reason that sure as hell is not your business; do not ever make someone feel less than for being on or taking disability. You have no clue what happens behind closed doors. Of course, there are people that take advantage of the system. But there are people that take advantage of every damn system!. Dirty cops. Theifs in retails shops. Pirating music. But this system was put in place because there are clearly enough of us out there struggling. So back the fack off.

Thanks for letting me rant loved ones. I can never stand up for myself but when it comes to literally anyone else, I would take a bullet (even a virtual one) for any stranger. ❤