Let’s get real. I’m going to share some seriously personal shit because people don’t talk about this stuff like they should. For the longest time depression was not even recognized by health professionals as something to be treated. The primary reason is because nobody talked about it in order to study or treat it. I’m fairly open about my mental health, but there’s still things people generally keep to themselves in conversation because it scares people to say that you hate every single second of your existence and if it didn’t negatively affect so many people financially in my life I’d slit my wrists right now. You just can’t really say that out loud.

The biggest obstacle I feel is trying to tell your therapist/psychiatrist just enough information to the point where they don’t feel the need to involuntarily hospitalize you. The ones of us that are able to get treatment and have access to affordable medications probably take it for granted. I am on title 19 Medicaid which means I only get to see the crappiest of doctors, but that’s still more than some people have access to. It doesn’t help that our government keeps lobbying back and forth whether mental health services should be covered by insurance. Then we have a president currently who is basically criminalizing mental illness; so the rednecks that didn’t “believe in” depression before sure as hell don’t now.

I feel the biggest struggle in communicating about this illness is the fear of the reprisal from the other person. Because every now and then you’ll get bullshit comments and/or suggestions; “You should just try harder”, “We didn’t have any of that in my day so you should just put on your big girl panties and get over it”, “If you just smiled more you would be so much happier”, or “Oh yeah, I was depressed once”. Mmmkay. I’m not going to address these individually because they all get my blood boiling. Every single time this shit comes out of a persons mouth all we do is smile politely and change the subject when what we really want to do is crush their larynx under the bottom of our shoe. It’s hard to educate those that haven’t lived through it, but I can’t express how important it is for us to try.

I was first diagnosed when I was 13, and at that point I had been begging my mother to let me get help for years. She was another one of those that didn’t believe in it. She called me a bratty kid and told me I would just get over it. Some might say this is malicious but I find it funny that she’s now disabled after a mental breakdown and three suicide attempts, but this same woman wouldn’t let her 12-year-old daughter (that was on her knees on the floor in front of her crying and begging) see a counselor. It makes me sick and so very angry. I simply have no empathy left for that woman, but the pain she has inflicted is for review another day.

Since then I have dealt with a multitude of different issues, had several different diagnoses, been on at least three dozen different medications, dealt with eating disorders (anorexia nervosa and bulimia), self harm (cutting), and many other struggles. It’s an odd feeling to post a fact that only three people on this entire earth know to the internet; please don’t abuse it. Most recently I have been diagnosed with narcolepsy as a result of the trauma of my childhood and early adulthood which led to “brain damage I’ve only seen in PTSD victims that have returned from war” according to my sleep doctor. I had no clue that trauma and such could lead to literal brain damage.

What I want the take-away to be here is that we HAVE to talk about it. We have to talk about our struggles and triumphs to find like-minded people. Not one of us is alone in this and we have to do our due diligence to find others; for our sake and theirs. Humans are not meant to be alone (as much as the depression makes us think we want/deserve to be). We exist as a species on this planet to lean on and learn from each other. And know that in all of this I am personally someone who will be there if anyone is in need; for any and all.


Medications & Side Effects

I can’t possibly fathom why so many medications have side effects of suicidal thoughts, weight gain, anal leakage….why can’t they be more along the lines of perfectly white teeth as a side effect or spontaneous orgasms? I just feel like I shouldn’t have to feel like death when prescribed a new medication, and I don’t understand why that is so much to ask.

In the last week I have been prescribed two new medications. To start with the first, the doctor warned me that I would feel hung over the next morning as I was supposed to take it before going to bed. Well after the most recent narcolepsy drug change that had me sprinting for the bathroom with my pants already down and not being able to exist in any fashion besides horizontal (as soon as I stood up I would be instantly nauseous but there was nothing in my stomach to vomit), I thought I was prepared for this new medication because it couldn’t possibly be worse than that right? Well…while i’m not in as much physical distress, getting out of bed in the morning is physically impossible. Yesterday, after sleeping 12 hours (way more than I had since I was a kid), I finally rolled myself off the bed to land (not so pleasantly) on the floor at one o’clock and said “alright, we’re doing this”.

The newest narcolepsy medication they put me on was just started this morning. My entire treatment has revolved around the prescriptions of various kinds of meth from the very beginning, but they have had names that disguise it a little bit such as dextroamphetamine or methylphenidate. But today I pick up a medication called Evekeo which had no generic name which was odd. Until I started searching on the paperwork with the pharmacist to discover the generic name is just amphetamine. They’re not even trying to hide it anymore. They are giving me prescription grade meth to treat this narcolepsy and I’m really just not okay with that, but what else do I do?

I found a recipe/mixture of essential oils the other day that are to help with wakefulness and such, but I don’t have all of the oils that are most helpful. And being unemployed means I can’t just run and get the things that I need. Such as conditioner; I have been living without conditioner for more than two weeks now. My hair is completely dead and straw-like.

But I simply can’t understand why these side effects have to be so awful. It’s almost comical at times because if you prescribe an antidepressant to a young girl (for example) that has side effects of weight gain and suicidal thoughts, how in the world is that drug supposed to actually help her? If she’s already depressed you think weight gain is going to help or improve the self-confidence that is probably lacking? Depression medications are a joke and need to be completely re-evaluated.

Narcolepsy on the other hand, I barely understand. I keep reading reviews of each of these drugs, and people saying each of them has helped immensely. Yet, I’m still nodding off while driving and falling out of my chair doing homework; because I forced myself to sit at the kitchen table to do my homework thinking that would keep me awake. Literally nothing I do stops me from sleeping when I least desire to. So, I finally succumbed to the conventional chemical methods, but those don’t work either. If anything I’ve gotten worse.

I just know that the big pharmaceutical companies don’t give a damn about any human as an individual. Their only concern is how to make the most money, and in this country without free healthcare it makes sense because primarily it is the insurance companies or government being charged for these medications. But that still leaves out the other part of the population, nearly half, without healthcare or access to the drugs that could potentially save their lives (such as insulin for diabetics). I’ve seen so many articles where a pill that costs over $200 here costs only $4 in another country, and the pharmeceutical companies are only doing this BECAUSE THEY CAN. Because there are no regulations or stipulations to stop them.

Pay attention to your politicians folks because many of them are backed by big pharma too. Research the medications your doctors prescribe you and see if the manufacturer is a benefactor of that clinic or hospital. A lot of this stuff is public record, people just don’t know to look. We can’t always fight the use of prescription and chemical medications to treat our ailments, but we can fight the big pharma to try and get the care we deserve.

CBD – Changing the Future Outcome

CBD is life changing for so many people that if you have the capability you must at LEAST give it a try; particularly anyone in chronic pain of any kind. Cannabidiol is a quickly rising business because of the fresh legality (Farm Act of 2014) of this. This is a product made from hemp which is why some people may shy away from it, but it contains ZERO THC, and is completely legal in every way. Most malls have a store within them that sell it if you know where to look, but I found a company and a way to be receiving this on your doorstep which I will share later on.

CBD was labeled as powerful thearapeutic property by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s chief medical correspondent, because of it’s properties used to aide with chronic pain, nausea, anxiety, digestive issues, and so much more. Dr. Nora Volkow, the Director of the National Institute on drug abuse verified that there are absolutely zero addictive effects, and agrees that this product is of therapeautic value for a number of medical conditions.

A more thorough, yet still not entirely extensive, list of ailments which CBD aides with…

  • Inflammation
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Automimmune disorders
  • Metabolism
  • Appetite
  • Energy Regulation
  • Neuropathic Pain
  • Reproductive function
  • Cancer

The reason this product works is because there are specific cannabinoid receptors in more than one place in our bodies. The CB1 Cannabinoid Receptor is located in the brain which obviously controls so many different bodily conditions, and the CB2 Cannabinoid Receptor is located in the thymus of the immune system. This product is entirely safe and encouraged to use for our pets as well to help with arthritis or other pains such as nausea and a variety of skin issues.

There are many different ways in which to consume CBD such as orally in pill form, orally in *tincture form, and there’s even one company that provides it in breath sprays and chews. The chews are incorporated with many other beneficial elements in order to replace your daily vitamin with them, and have the added benefit of CBD. The chews also make administration to our pets so much easier.

So, the company I referenced before is actually called Changing The Future Outcome (CTFO). It is by far the most reputable site I have yet found for these products. I get emails every single day about free CBD trials, but you never know who exactly that is coming from or the quality. I believe in these products so damn much I became a representative myself (which was totally free to do by the way) in order to have the information and capability of sharing this with others.

This company’s products are all vegan, organic, and naturally sourced from the highest grade, Non-GMO, and pesticide free hemp. They create a multitude of products I would have never expected. They have an entire pet line of pet treats and oral sprays. They have a CBD health line with anti-wrinkle/aging creams, pain-relief creams (nerve and muscle), and an abundance of oral sprays to help with weightloss, pain relief, energy blast/focus, sleep support, and an antistress/relaxation spray. They even have a small non-CBD line with supplements, meal-replacement shakes, and gummies that help to control hunger-cravings and boost metabolism.

I encourage everyone living with pain every day, suffering from any ailment above, or just interested in these super great products to get in touch with me. I’d love to get you any more information you’d like or if you wanted to jump on board to get some discounts then more power to you. I can absolutely get you involved and like I said before, becoming an associate for CTFO is completely free. You register, and if you end up selling some of these amazing products (as you cannot just order off the website, which is dumb i’ll agree; as I looked all over to try to find this option for you guys) then you get a bit of a commission there through the website. Which I would like to clarify is clearly not the reason I would share this information with you guys; I just have literally tried CBD tincture and it has worked wonders.

*Tincture is the most common (and in my opinion most effective) method of administration. It is a liquid in a bottle that can be dropped under the tongue a few times a day as needed for pain or other ailments, can be added to drinks such as coffee and tea, or even used in vape pens for a more portable (and for some easier to use) method.

Get in touch guys; I’d love to chat 🙂


This is a subject in which I have absolutely no idea where to begin, but I still feel it’s important to address and be open about. Too many people suffer in silence and it’s just not necessary. This stigma on mental illnesses seriously needs to end. Yesterday.

My favorite is when people claim anxiety wasn’t a problem 100 years ago, and that people just “got over it”. Because what happened behind closed doors stayed behind closed doors, and that is why we have so many adults that aren’t able to function as successful members of society and the children they raised that are now shooting up schools primarily due to untreated mental illness. And I am one of them that simply is not able to function as a productive human at this time, no matter how hard I try.

This is not the time to re-live the past or the reasons I developed this awful condition. It literally affects every single aspect of my day. Every thought running through my head is laced with a touch of anxiety; meaning there is always the potential for something to go wrong and my brain has to process every single potential reality at all times. Every single time I get into my car I have to check the backseat and trunk. Then I have to check all around me before hopping in the car and locking it immediately. This may be more appropriate behavior when in a parking lot late at night, but I have to do this every single time I get into my car; even if it’s in my locked garage. There’s no real reason, except the anxiety.

I spend a lot of time in my house alone which is not beneficial to my mental health AT ALL. There are always odd noises that bother me enough without the dogs barking at every single noise as well. I have to check my windows and doors multiple times to make sure they are all locked; even if I only checked them the hour before and nothing had changed. I just don’t remember the last time I felt truly safe in my environment. And I have medications that are supposed to help with these things, but just another case where the pharmeceuticals are just keeping me in this condition in order to make more money.

I believe the worst anxiety is when I can’t initially recognize it. Over the years I have been fairly suggessful in acknowledging when the anxiety is starting to take over and to start taking measures to prevent it. I always start with meditation, deep breathing, essential oils, and other measures. But they might work 35% of the time. So, I’ll be restless with an increased heart rate. I’ll become manic and speaking really fast, and the irritability causes the most issues. It is at this point where I can generally acknowledge the anxiety…it just depends on the level. Whether it turns into a panic attack or not.

Now onto what anxiety can look like…the worst I ever experienced as a panic attack was when I had to lock myself in the trunk of my car with the keys because it was the only place where I could feel safe. Small dark places, like my closet and under the bed, are my go-to’s  when I just need a place to feel safe. Reading used to be of help when I was younger, or being outdoors. But now being out of my house causes more anxiety than anything else. The idea of people’s eyes on me is simply unbearable. It doesn’t help that I’m not necessarily entirely awful to look at, so I wear baggy and dark clothes to try to blend in and not be seen.

Other times it is the separation anxiety that scares me the most. The world is a dangerous place as my brain reminds me frequently, and any person could die at any time. Every time a loved one steps out of my door I feel my heart tearing. It’s not that I hear voices per say, but my brain regularly tells me the worst case scenario that could ever possibly occur at any time. Just my significant other backing out of the driveway worries me that someone could be coming down the road and side-swipe him. I’ve never experienced a love where I was terrified to the core of my soul and being that something might happen to them. The worst part is that I don’t even feel this way about my biological family. After everything that has happened…..I just don’t care. And that is an awful thing to say or even think.

I could write a book. And I’ve honestly thought about it. Similar to “The Child Called It” type lifestyle. There is so much more to write on this topic, but I would much rather hear from others about what they experience and what they do to aide the daily anxiety. Can comment on this or contact me through the site itself. I just want to live in a world where none of us have to deal with this debilitating mental illness.

Essential Oils

Good morning!

I really wanted to share about the beauty of essential oils. I first learned about essential oils when a good friend became a representative for Young Living. She discovered them when looking for alternative treatments for her Rheumatoid Arthritis instead of the dozen different pills they wanted her to take. The best part was her father who referred to them as “kook oils” in his defiance to homeopathic remedies instead of just “toughing it out” as he would say. There are so many different brands of essential oils that one must be vigilant in ensuring the oils they are purchasing are of high quality in order to prevent skin reactions, for proper dosing, and they are simply more effective. Young Living Essential Oils have been a staple in my home for years, and that will never change.

There are literally unlimited uses. I have included a simple guide, but encourage you to research on your own. Any ailment you have I guarantee there is an essential oil that can help you. Particularly pain. I have a nerve pain essential oil mixture made of lavender, frankincense, eucalyptus, peppermint, and coconut oil. When using essential oils, a lot of people cannot put them directly on their skin because of a minor reaction. I know someone that gets a rash if peppermint oil directly touches their skin, but that is the most severe reaction I have personally seen. This is the purpose of the coconut oil; to dilute it. However, there are much better oils to dilute with such as jojoba oil, sweet almond oil, argan oil, and many more. This would be because coconut oil will return to a solid state within the bottle which just takes a few minutes to warm up in between your hands if this occurs.

My staple essential oil is lavender. It is a wonderful oil that helps immensely with stress and relaxation. This is a gentle enough oil most people do not have a reaction to direct application. I use it every single day as direct application to my temples, neck, and wrists. I also use it in my diffusor, putting it in my *baths, putting a few drops on a dryer sheet before drying my clothes, and so many others.

*When adding essential oils to baths I’ve found the best way to combine the two is with Epsom salts. If you drop some lavender oil into a palmful of Epsom salts before putting them into the water it lasts and incorporates much better.

The link below is to a website with literally all of the details you could potentially need to know, as well as how-to step-by-step videos, about using essential oils. Including a more thorough look at the purposes of different oils, the best way to dilute mixtures, and recipes for different ailments. She has a lot of other great information such as ways to live toxin free in a society which is prevalent of them.

Here is a thorough list of oils and their purposes yet still not complete so if you have an ailment you are looking to remedy check out the website above, and if you don’t find it there…Google people.

  • Arborvitae – Grounding, cleansing, insect repellent
  • Basil – Menstruation problems, sore muscles, mental alertness
  • Bergamot – Emotional support, skin problems, skin purifying
  • Black Pepper – Circulation, antioxidant, improved absorption
  • Cardamom – Respiratory problems, improves digestion
  • Cassia – Sexual stimulant, improves digestion
  • Cedarwood – Emotional support, insect repellent, skin support
  • Chamomile – Calming, soothing, improves immune function
  • Cilantro – Purifying, improves digestion, supports healthy skin, antioxidant
  • Cinnamon Bark – Oral health, cleansing, supports metabolic function
  • Clary Sage – Hormone balancing, tension, emotional support, PMS
  • Clove – Oral health, immune health, heart health
  • Coriander – Clear skin, sore joints, improves digestion
  • Cumin – Purifying, improves digestion
  • Cypress- Energy, skin health, muscle tension
  • Dill – Calming, improves digestion
  • Eucalyptus – Cleansing, respiratory problems, skin
  • Fennel – Circulation, metabolism, improves digestion
  • Fir (White) – Respiratory, empowering, muscles, joints
  • Frankincense – Emotional support, skin health
  • Geranium – Insect repellent, calming, improved skin and hair health
  • Ginger – Grounding, antioxidant, digestive support
  • Grapefruit – Stimulating, alertness, cleansing, skin health, appetite suppressant
  • Hawaiian Sandalwood – Improves concentration, healthy skin
  • Helichrysum – Improves metabolism, healthy skin
  • Jasmine – Balances the mood, healthy skin
  • Juniper Berry – Stress relief, cleansing, skin toner, kidney/urinary support
  • Lavender – Universal oil, calming, stress relief, skin health, headache relief
  • Lemon – Energy, stimulating, respiratory support, improved digestion
  • Lemongrass – Calming, improved digestion, complexion, insect repellent
  • Lemon Balm – Calming, stress, tension, immune support
  • Lime – Stimulating, energy, detoxifying, improved immune function
  • Marjoram – Heart health, muscle support, emotional support
  • Myrrh – Emotional balance, cleansing, skin health
  • Orange – Emotional balance, cleansing, purifying, stimulating
  • Oregano – Healthy digestion, respiratory problems, powerful cleansing agent
  • Patchouli – Healthy skin, complexion, tension, stress, grounding
  • Peppermint – Cooling, energy, digestive and respiratory support
  • Roman Chamomile – Immune system support, calming, stress relief
  • Rose – Emotional balance, clear skin, complexion
  • Rosemary – Respiratory support, memory, digestion, healthy hair/scalp
  • Sandalwood – Calming, grounding, skin health
  • Spearmint – Oral health, improved breath, digestive health
  • Tangerine – Energy, cleansing, supports the immune system
  • Tea Tree – Super cleansing, skin health, improves immune function
  • Thyme – Insect repellent, cleansing, purifying, immune system support
  • Vetiver – Calming, grounding, supports immune system function
  • Wild Orange – Antioxidant, energy, emotional balance, overall health
  • Wintergreen – Emotional support, sore muscles or joints, skin health
  • Ylang Ylang – Healthy hair and skin, calming

If you have any questions or comments as always get in touch 🙂

Gone Public

So…I’ve opened this up to the people that actually know me and I sincerely hope I don’t regret it. I know some secretly awful people. Individuals I’ve considered friends have literally ruined my life as it was at the time. I’m trying to recover, but I’m just not as successful at that as I thought I was capable of.

I want this to be real. No bullshit. I’m going to talk about my experiences because I want others to speak out as well. It is the only way we resolve the issues we have in society and government. Anything! We have to speak out and I’m just not afraid to do that anymore. I hope y’all can respect that.

I’ve lived way too much life in my mere 20 years. I have too many health issues for my age and I loathe our healthcare system. I hate the pharmaceutical control and all of the chemicals they provide for us to pump our bodies full of that more often than not cause more harm than good. And I don’t mean to shit on the people within the healthcare system by any means; I’ve worked it myself. And the system is severely flawed.

Another concept I’d love to incorporate more of is my admiration for Buddhism. This energy that we all have the power to tap into and create beautiful things. There is so much hate and bad energy in this world that is simply not worth our time. If we could learn to live only in this moment right here….just one moment at a time…life would contain so much more happiness.

When living every single day in, often immense, pain it is important to seek strength in people and Buddhism helps provide a guiding light to understand the pain and anguish of this life in order to better process it and move forward. So many of us get stuck in this rut that is nearly impossible to get out of.

I’m not the best writer, and yes I swear quite a bit. But it has been researched and verified that people who swear are the most honest so perhaps that is worth something. I just need an outlet and to find community. Another respect of Buddhism is maintaining relationships with other humans who share in anguish to help defeat it together.

Don’t be afraid to reach out.

Pain In The Brain

This is going to be a hard one for me. I have been diagnosed with so many different disorders I don’t even believe these “professionals”. But the fact remains that I do have chemical imbalances in my brain that make it very difficult to function within my daily life.

My brain literally attacks me. It will create awful thoughts and scenarios that I can’t help but to believe is true. It can be the simplest thing; from someone giving me a side eye at a restaurant which will send me spinning into a panic with a million reasons why they would do that, if I did something wrong, if the way I dressed was offensive or something they deemed inappropriate.

The worst is the thoughts put into my head about my significant other. He is the most gracious person in the world for putting up with and supporting me through my eccentricities. My brain tells me he’s cheating, lying about his location, and hiding things from me but it simply is not the case. This man loves me more than anything and I trust him with all of my heart; never given me the slightest reason to doubt. But my brain reports otherwise not matter how much I tell it it’s wrong. Does anybody else have conversations with their brain? Golly I hope I’m not the only one there…

The sedatives they put me on are changed every two weeks; just long enough for the side effects to run their course, and then they switch me to something else.

The depression I can handle, but the anxiety I can’t. And it sure as hell doesn’t help that because there are those few people that abuse prescription meds I am unable to get the ones I need because of my age and other bullhonky reasons. Every doctor sees me as a pill seeker and I absolutely can’t stand it. I didn’t even want these chemicals in my body but my homeopathic remedies were not sufficient.

The medications have also caused my eyesight to worsen greatly, it has affected my speech causing stutters and other issues, and I have the shakes almost constantly. These side effects aren’t deemed serious enough to deal with so I just have to keep trucking though it until something sticks and finally works.

I do have to note that there are plenty of other ways to treat mental disorders that are not pharmaceutical, but it’s all a money scheme for the rich to become richer as we barely survive (and some don’t). I would also like to note there is specific plant that is very helpful in treating these conditions, but it is currently illegal in Iowa and it is entirely saddening to me. There has to be a better solution than the healthcare system currently in place in this country. So upsetting.

Gotta try to keep the positive attitude though and just keep hoping for one day living a life without pain ☺️

Thanks guys! Sending good vibes as always ✌️